Love as God Intended
If I knew how to reblog myself, I would do that, instead. However, I’ll just go old school and cut and paste. But I think everyone needs to read this - and I’m not trying to be egotistical by saying that. :) It even helps me to reread it sometimes, because it’s a stumbling block for me, and a common trap that I constantly fall into.
We live in a culture of romance, where girls search for their “Prince Charming,” and men search for their “trophy wife.” I admit, that might be a generalized statement, but I believe it’s more or less true. This a world where girls seek to feel “fulfilled,” “lovely,” “lovable,” and “worthy” by having a boyfriend, and men search for the woman that will cook them dinner, clean for them, and pleasure them. It’s a never-ending, exhausting search for perfection. Can I tell you the ending to this story? You won’t find perfection; you won’t find Prince Charming, Mrs. Right, Mr. Perfect, or the “woman/man of your dreams.” Why? He or she doesn’t exist, in the form that you believe he or she does. So, in light of that fact, because it’s almost Valentine’s Day, because we live in a broken world, because we’re called to be radical Christians, I propose an alternative view. It may seem counter-intuitive, it may sound extreme, but I honestly believe our culture needs to hear this - me more than anyone. That’s why I’m writing this post. So, read on if you want to be stretched and challenged; read on if you want to see how God views our relationships. It’ll be hard to read, I promise you. And once you read this, you won’t be able to go back to the other way of thinking about love. But I also promise you this: this way, God’s way, is so much more fulfilling for your lives.
Ok. Should we journey through how God looks at love? Vamos.
Disclaimer: If you’re not a Christ-follower, this alternative will seem entirely foolish and unnecessary. I understand that. But, if you are a Christian, this might be exactly what you need to hear, whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married.
From this point on, I am going to write this from the point of view of a woman, looking for that special someone, just because it’s easier, because I am a woman, and because it would be a bit redundant to keep writing “him or her;” “he or she.”
Let me start out with this: from as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married. I was one of those girls that dreamed and planned for her wedding, who knew exactly what she wanted when it came to anything nuptial - and that included the evident and eminent groom. I would think, of course I am going to get married. Of course that is God’s plan for my life - I mean, He wants me to be happy right?
I’m the girl that dreamed of perfect scenarios in which Prince Charming came in, swept me off my feet, wooed me, flattered me, and fell hopelessly in love with me.
I’m the girl that knew that, during college, she would meet Mr. Right, who would see her for the gem that she was, get to know her, ask her parents for the opportunity to pursue and court her, would then pursue and court her during her college years; when they both had graduated from college, he would then go back to her parents and ask for the honor of having her hand in marriage. I would then get married in a beautiful, quaint white-washed chapel, with all my loved ones around me, in the most gorgeous of dresses; I would dance to the perfect song with my new husband for our first dance together, would be swept up into his arms as he carried us off to the car that would take us our honeymoon suite, where - since we both had waited for marriage - we would enjoy each other for the first time. We would have a honeymoon that others would be envious of, in an exotic and beautiful land. After our honeymoon, we would be the cute new married couple, and when we were ready, and had enjoyed life together by ourselves, we would have our first beautiful baby. Then another, and another, until we had a house and heart full of beautiful children. We would grow old together, teach our children to love and fear God, and die within a year of each other - so we wouldn’t have to be alone without the other for a long time. In essence, it would be the perfect life.
That’s honestly what I’ve always wanted - and, to an extent, still do. I always thought that if I remained pure, followed and loved God with all my heart, did everything a Christian was supposed to do, got involved with my church, didn’t flirt too much with boys, didn’t like boys that weren’t Christian, that God would see all the sacrifices that I had made, all the waiting I had done, all the pain and dejection I went through when all my other friends had boyfriends, and grant me the man of my dreams.
What’s wrong with this picture? You might say, “You did all the right things; you followed God’s plan for relationships. Of course God will bring along Mr. Right; He will have formed someone just for you, and you for him.” But that’s not the way the Christian life works. We don’t do all the right things, avoid all the bad things, and then expect God to bless us for our endeavors. Now, you might, at this point, cite Psalm 37:4 as proof that that is exactly how it works. But here’s what’s wrong with using that passage to justify that if we just “delight” ourselves in the Lord, He will give us what we want - which is a relationship, a husband, a perfect life: when we “delight” ourselves in the Lord, we revel in His goodness, the plan He has for our lives, and we understand that whatever God wants for us will be infinitely better than anything we could have planned for ourselves. Sounds pretty great, right? But what if that plan doesn’t include a husband? Do you still “delight” yourself in the Lord then? Here’s the truth that everyone needs to hear: we have no right to a husband. We are not entitled to get married and live happily ever after. Shocker, I know. But I forewarned you. And as hard as this is for you to read, it is just as hard for me to write. But it’s so true.
Here’s what God does promise us: Him; His son, His grace and His love. C. S. Lewis states this idea wonderfully:
The Christian life is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, “Give me all, I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work. I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desire which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked — the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself; my own will shall become yours.
God promises that when we sacrifice what we want, we will receive infinitely more: we will receive what God wants. And who wouldn’t trade our desires for those of God?
However, when our mother Eve took that fruit and brought sin upon herself and Adam, everything changed. Suddenly, we weren’t perfect, and we were separated from God. No longer could we have a relationship with Him as He intended. But hope came in the form of His son, who shed his perfect blood on a wooden cross, who took the full power of the wrath of God upon Himself, that we might again know the Father. But through all this, we humans are still guilty of denying God, cursing Him, hating Him. Sure, there might be Christ-followers among this broken race of mankind that understand the price Christ paid for us and His grace; but still, even then, constantly, we reject our Father. We still sin everyday. Because of this, regardless of whether we know Christ or not, we deserve damnation and nothing else; we don’t deserve a boyfriend, a relationship, a wedding. Nothing. We deserve Hell. That’s what’s so glorious about Salvation - God still wishes to love and bless us amidst our sin - with the boyfriend, with the relationship, with the wedding. But just because one person was blessed by God with that gift, doesn’t mean everyone else will receive that same blessing; God might have a different blessing in mind for you than He has for me. I’ve struggled a lot with that lately. I have always been taught that God designed woman for man, and that an intimate relationship with your godly husband is a mirror of the love and intimacy God want’s to share with us, His church.
So, why wouldn’t God intend that for all his children? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I struggle with the idea that God is denying me something in not giving me a boyfriend, etc. But He’s not denying me anything; He gave me the gift of life and the gift of knowing Him through His son, and that’s more than I could ever have asked for - so how could I ask for anything more?
Yet, through all of that, through the truth of God’s love and plan for our lives, we get lost in the wishing and dreaming for the man, the prince, the Mr. Right. And that’s so not what God wants us to do with our time. We can’t spend our time on this earth, where precious billions of people have never heard of Jesus, imagining scenarios, a life, with our dream man, because pretty soon those dreams and the real man - if there is one - will become an idol in our lives. Here’s what Oswald Chambers writes about imagination that is not directed toward God:
Is your imagination looking on the face of an idol? …Then your imagination of God is starved, and when you are up against difficulties you have no power, you can only endure in darkness. If your imagination is starved, do not look back to your own experience; it is God Whom you need. Go right out of yourself, away from the face of your idols, away from everything that has been starving your imagination.
Do you get what He’s saying in this passage? It took me a while to understand it. I always thought, “What harm in there in imagination? In dreaming of my Prince Charming?” But Chambers tells us exactly what the danger is: if we do that, then when we are in times of need and trial, we can “only endure darkness.” Pretty bleak, huh?
When we get into this mentality of “I need a man,” “I want a husband,” what we are saying to God, in essence, is that “You’re not enough for me, God.” We say, with those thoughts, dreams, and imaginings, that a boyfriend, a husband, can fulfill us more than a relationship with God can. And that is so contrary to what the Bible says. The Scriptures say that God “satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness” (Psalm 107:9). How could you want more than that? But the truth of the matter is that we do, because we have sin in our hearts. We think that God can’t satisfy us, but He can: He is the only one that can fill us up completely and make us feel whole - He is our knight in shinning armor, and he’s already slayed the Dragon Satan and whisked us away on a white horse; no husband can do that, no matter how “charming,” “perfect,” and “right” he is. We need to “seek His face always,” (Psalm 105:4) and when we do, it is then that we will find true fulfillment in our life.
There is a danger in relationships and it’s this: when we enter into them with the mentality that, “with this man, my life will be complete,” that husband or boyfriend will soon become an idol, like I mentioned above. And even if that man is a God-fearing man, still he can draw us away from the Lord. It’s so easy to read things on the Internet that say, “if you wait long enough, love God enough, and don’t have sex or do anything immoral, then God will give you a husband;” it’s easy to read “notes” written to future husbands, saying that “I’m waiting for you; God created you just for me.” Because the truth of the matter is this: God did not create human beings for each other; he created humans to glorify Him, and Him alone, which can be done through relationships. That’s an important distinction to make. And if we enter into relationships with the idea that “with this man I can be closer to God than I was without him,” “this man will make me feel loved and lovable,” “this man is whom I have been waiting for,” in essence, if we enter into a relationship with any mentality other than, “this is someone with whom I can glorify God; with my relationship with this person, I can bring God’s kingdom to Earth,” we miss the intent of the relationship in the first place. God created marriage to reflect His relationship with, and his love for, the Church. And what’s more, a relationship, a marriage, has never been a qualification for life; it’s not like without it we can’t live life correctly, or the way it was intended - honoring and glorifying God. We can.
Marriage is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift God gives to some, and it can be wonderful and God-honoring. But, like so many things in our world today, it gets easily skewed. We need to maintain how God views relationships, marriage, and singleness, even when the world tells us we’re crazy, we’re old-fashioned, or we’re radical. A woman is not defined by her husband; likewise is no man defined by his girlfriend, etc.
So, in light of all of this, are you willing to accept that God might intend for you to be single for your entire life? For a season of your life? If you aren’t, I encourage you to look at what’s holding you back from making that declaration. What if, by accepting celibacy, God could use you in other parts of the world to reach people for His glory? What if, through your singleness, even one person comes to know Christ? Would you then say, “No thanks, God; I still want to get married,” in light of all that? Have you ever considered that God can use single people in ways that He cannot use married couples?
It boils down to this: what sacrifices are you willing to make, so that God’s will is fulfilled throughout the world?
I am willing to accept God’s plan for my life, whatever that may be - husband, no husband; children, or no children - because, honestly, I do not want to walk this life, in this broken world, without God. But that’s not to say that that very statement doesn’t strike fear in me, because, believe me, it does. I still want that life that I described above. But do I want it more than God? Absolutely not. A boyfriend or a husband is not worth losing my relationship with my Savior. It’s just not. If these ideas make me radical, so be it. I’ll be radical for my Lord. The question is, will you? Will you follow Him to the end of the Earth, trust Him when your future looks bleak, love Him still even if He calls you to celibacy and singleness for the entirety of your life? Are you willing to sacrifice everything, even current or future relationships, even what the world tells you you need, in light of the infinite treasures God has in store for you? It’s worth it, brothers and sisters; it’s so worth it. Even on Valentine’s day.
With the love of Christ that is in me,
Kelsey
